Most of us know clumsy sentences when we hear or read them, but we don’t always know exactly why they are clumsy or possess the skills to fix them. Here's a sentence that needs a little work:
The network that this computer is able to connect to contains information that is privileged and confidential.
The clumsiness is caused by several common writing errors:
Unnecessary dependent clauses
Get rid of that is/which is, that are/which are clauses whenever possible.
Extraneous verb phrases
Delete verb phrases that don’t add meaning: is able to.
Subjects too far away from their verbs
Place subjects closer to their verbs: computer connects, network contains.
Weed out repetitious words: Confidential and privileged mean the same thing in this context.
Finally, tweak the wording so that the sentence flows:
This computer connects to a network containing confidential information.
Check out The Grammar Song! Find it here: The Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar.
Sources: Grammarbook.com, Grammar Girl, The Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar